I visited my buddy’s new born child this weekend, one of the most mature things I’ve ever had to do. Thus, when asked by the couple “what have you been up to?” I decided against telling them I spent the morning delivering Dark Knight quotes to the mirror when, after brushing my teeth, I thought the toothpaste on my face resembled the Joker’s makeup.
Had a big meeting. Admin needed a photo of me for presentation. Called me “Manford” when she asked for it. Instead of being rude I just peppered my response with cues for my real name. Called my pic “Price’s pic.” Titled subject of email “Price’s info.” Signed off “Thanks, Price.” Included my signature that says “Price Manford.” Show up to meeting, listed as Manford Price.
Sample of life at 4G - Last night, 11.30p, roommate Cam whispers through my door “Hey, don’t light a match or do anything with fire… I accidentally left the gas on tonight. Don’t worry, though, I put a fan in the kitchen.” Email from roommate Curt this morning, 9.11a: “Please don’t take the trash out today… I’m pretty sure I threw away my...
This weekend a girl looked at my shoes and asked, in a rather condescending tone, “are you wearing those shoes that, like, work your legs out?” I looked at my Nikes http://www.pickyourshoes.com/collectible/nike_max1_skull.htm quite perplexed. “Work out my legs?” I repeated to myself. Turns out she had mistaken my limited edition Air Maxes for those Skecher’s “Shape-Ups” (skechers.com). I was...
Sometimes I feel like people who tell terrible stories with terrible deliveries need a laugh track. Me? I think I’d like the stock audio track of a large audience of girls going “ooooooOOOOHHHH” every time I kiss a girl.
Came home from Houston this weekend to find that in a drunken stupor my roommate had replied to a number of wedding invites. What’s the big deal, you ask? He decided to respond to invitations addressed to me. Looks like I’ll just have to guess which weddings I’m supposed to attend.
We share a building with some UBS financial types. While in the elevator down to lunch some suits were talking about Duke. Thinking they were discussing the NCAA Tourney I attempted to join in the conversation. Turns out they were talking about recruiting new analysts from the Duke business school. I am a child.
Tron Legacy has the makings to be the nerdiest movie of the century, and the score is done by Daft Punk! Listen to the end of this trailer, my earphones just exploded.
My mom is out of town so here is an “important” email I received from my dad today: “are you going to be able to go to duane reed or other drugstore and get the ivory bath soap bars?” My assumption is after accepting an invitation for dinner this evening I have unknowingly accepted responsibility of making the Duane Reade run. Next email will be dry cleaning, no doubt.
Fess-up Friday — I’ve never seen any of the Godfathers, in lots of cases I prefer crappy punk band covers of classic songs than the real songs themselves, I frequently talk to myself out-loud, my first beer was a Lone Star and I spit most of it out even though I told my friends I drank it, I don’t know the first thing about cars, and I voted for the first time in this past...
Facebook, Gchat status, Twitter, YouTube, Loopt, Flickr, FourSquare, and now Google Buzz… even I am struggling to come up with enough material for all this shit (by the way I’m eating an apple and listening to We Are Scientists and I probably have a funny youtube link I can send you).
I got to look at pictures of the inside of my esophagus and stomach today at the doctor. Turns out even my stomach lining still has that boyish Manford charm. As a side note I will have another endoscopy, but the doctor was quick to reassure me in saying “Don’t worry Price, at least this time we know how much medicine it takes to knock you out.”
Last night my dad suggested I should shave because “you don’t want to look like one of these drug dealers I see on CSI-Miami.” I suppose I should be comforted he referenced a show that was at least relatively more contemporary than his normal go-to “The Closer,” which I’m confident is not watched voluntarily by anyone under the age of 40. It also should be noted...
Irritated that my Pandora was playing the band “Black Kids” yet again I complained out loud, but to no one in particular, “God dammit I HATE Black Kids!” The astonishment on my co-workers’ faces may well be worth my eventual dismissal.
Just when I thought I’d seen all the mistaken variations of my phenomenally simple name, I was greeted by security at my meeting this morning with a nametag that read “Price Manfore.” Thankfully things were back to normal a couple hours later when I received a confirmation email addressed as “Hello Manford,…”
Is there a more reliable means of information than the Captivate TV screens in office elevators? Why do they seem so trustworthy? I could get in on floor one, read that Michael Jackson rose from the dead and is redoing his Thriller video as a reality show and I’d be like “Wow, that’s amazing. What an entertainer!” and not even think twice.
This morning after being referred to via phone as “Price Manfred” (keeping in mind my full name appears on caller ID), I noticed an email chain that refers to me as a “she”— the author asking various folks to get “her” what “she” needs. I guess I should be happy both mistakes at least got the order of my name correct, but still.
Frustrated unable to find a cab post party Friday night Price pulled out his phone for assistance. “Well I’m not that far away from the hotel after all” he muttered to himself as he peered at his iPhone with one eye. “What are those…train tracks?” he thought, zooming in on gmaps, “hey they go right by my hotel! I’ll just follow those home.” At that point our hero put his earphones in and stumbled...
Mr. Manford's vacation
Dear Ms. Tracy Manford, My name is Tiffani and I am the administrative assistant to Mr. Price Manford here at BBDO. Mr. Manford has advised me I should alert you that he will be arriving in Houston Sunday, October 11th and staying at 3623 Wickersham until the following Friday, October 16th while on vacation. He will expect his regular room, cleaned and prepared for him upon his arrival. Please...
At my parents’ place last night for dinner -> MOM – “My iPod just went dead. Just stopped working. So I threw it away.” ME – “Did you try charging it or changing the battery?” MOM (blank stare) – “I didn’t need it anyways. I have my iPhone.” Before I could respond in protest… DAD (watching TV as a political candidate ad runs) - “Politicians aren’t worth the bullet needed to blow their...
“Controversial” doesn’t do this commercial justice. Wow.
Why is it every time I reply to an evite I immediately press “view this evite” to look at my own reply? Am I expecting it to have not shown up? Is it that I want the experience of someone else seeing that I have in fact replied “yes” to the party? I’m hoping this is normal, but it’s probably just incredibly vain.
I went to Au Bon Pan for lunch today. To order a sandwich you fill out a form and put your name on it, then when the sandwich is ready the hostess calls your name. I was waiting patiently when I heard “Prince? Prince your sandwich is ready.” Refusing to brush off the mistake out of principal, I decided to stand there until she got it right, even though I was the only person there. Again (and...
While running in the park I saw an elderly fat man walking in an OU shirt. As I passed I shouted “Go Horns!” and smiled. I slowed a bit, awaiting his response, but when I saw his frightened look (a look shared by many onlookers at this point) I realized it was likely this shirt was just given to him as a gift to be “grandad’s workout shirt” or something and he was not the die-hard Sooner I had...
I asked one child if he wanted to work in advertising when he grew up… he grabbed his parent’s leg and blew his nose into their jeans. I’m right there with you, kid.
I tried to give a kid a high five, but instead he wiped whatever was on his hand onto mine. Glad I could help.
We gave these kids a personal pizza, some apple juice, and painted their faces like Spiderman and it was like the greatest fucking day of their lives. How easy it was.
It’s Bring Your Kid to Work Day —> Have you ever seen a trained bear or a dolphin or something? You know how you see the trainer do an action and then the animal mimics it? That’s how I’m treating these kids. I wave furiously hoping to get some kind of reaction beyond turning and running. At least I’m trying.
It’s Bring Your Kid to Work Day. Due to my absolute incompetence in interacting with children (I dislike them), I’ll try to keep the status updated with my various dealings with them throughout the day. —> Apparently my Nerf cross-bow I keep in my office isn’t appropriate (or safe) for most of these kids.
Falling in line with the at least half dozen emails I get a week making the mistake, members of our Mexico team just called me “Manford” despite my introducing myself as “Price” and leaving my business card which also lists my first name correctly as “Price.” It’s not like my name is “Smith John” or “Brown Steve,” why does...
When the lead singer of Third Eye Blind was writing “Semi-Charmed Life,” did he actually write out “do do do, do do do doo” in the lyrics? This is what I don’t understand about musicians. Sure it turned out fine, but how does he first explain it to his bandmates? “I’m going to sing do do do! for an entire chorus, trust me it’ll be awesome.” I’d kick...
Everyone knows I adore my iPhone more than I could ever feasibly love a woman, but this new app goes a long way to bridging the gap. —> http://mashable.com/2009/07/29/passion/
Silversun Pickups legitimately have Animal from the muppets playing drums. I mean look at the size of that cymbal!
My dad just sent me an email with the subject “VERY IMPT!” so my heart started racing and I quickly opened the email to find the message “please get me a quart of 2% milk.” One day he’s going to email me that my house burned down and I’m going to delete it thinking he’s just asking me to take out the trash or something.
“At my challenge, by the ancient laws of combat, we are met at this chosen ground, to settle for good and all who holds sway over gchat: us greens, born rightwise to this fine chat, or the foreign invisibles defiling it.”
It’s an invisible witch hunt today. Call out all the invisibles and make them pay. Then maybe lay by the bay, and make things out of clay.
I don’t talk to invisibles. Spare me the “When I’m green everyone tries to talk to me” bullshit excuse, you’re not that popular. Invisibles are the snobs of gchat, and I hate them. I’ll be green until the day I die, my tombstone will have a big green dot on it. Price Manford: AVAILABLE!
I spent this morning trying to get my new iPhone to say curse words. It’s just like in middle school when those kids had the talking dictionaries and everyone giggled when the robot voice said “ass.”
I just heard an intern say the class they take after they finish work “is rewarding.” The last thing I did that was remotely rewarding was offer a co-worker a piece of gum. Setting a good example for the interns.
I hate people that give the “how do you have time to do xxx?” As if they’re so unbelievably busy all the time. They’ve never clicked on a YouTube link before? It doesn’t take hours of research. They’re almost as bad as the “I don’t really watch TV” people.
Isn’t the compass kind of an antiquated addition to the iPhone? Especially being promoted this much? This device uses satellites that float in space to pinpoint your location anywhere in the world, and we’re concerned about cardinal directions? Isn’t this a bit like adding foot pedals to a Mercedes? When someone is lost, who will forgo the MAPS button to be like “ehhh...
New iPhone on the way to PHA. I’m going to video blog every subway ride so people in Houston know what it’s like to use the morning paper to fend off rats and shield yourself from hobo urine.
Enough with the cargo shorts. It took this tourist legit two full stops to find his cell phone. While searching he pulled out two maps, gum, sunglasses, keys (complete with I heart NY keychain), a Reader’s Digest, a bottle of water, his wallet, a pocket knife, and some chap stick. He looked like he had just robbed a street kiosk and was slowly getting away on the local.
Kelly Kapowksi had to attend community college? Really? In addition to her decent 1100 on the SAT, here are her extra curriculars: pro model, singing/dancing in Hot Sundae and Zack Attack, cheerleader, homecoming queen, volleyball, drama, ballet, glee club, swim team, cadet corps, waitress, and lifeguard. You’re telling me she couldn’t score a scholarship somewhere? On my college apps...
This morning while working out at my local YMCA a blind guy sat down at a machine I had just vacated. I’ve seen this guy before, and not only am I pretty sure he’s there more times a week than I am, but he proceeded to add more weight than I had just done. God continues to drop hints to me about how worthless I am, but I guess I just keep ignoring them.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Reprimanded by a co-worker for being “too crass,” I will refrain from making a LOST joke and allow you to draw your own conclusions: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/brazil_plane